The 30-Day Intimacy Challenge
*This post was written a few years ago but I thought it could be a good challenge of connection with your spouse during this time of social distancing.
A Gift from God
This week I had the privilege to speak to the women of Village Church about sex. Not the worlds version of sex, but healthy, God honouring sex. I believe the world has taken sex and made it perverse, dirty and so far from God’s plan. I believe it is time that Christians stop living like the world and start redeeming sex for what it is: a gift from God. Sex is good. It is not dirty or wrong. As I have studied scripture, it is quite the opposite. It is clear that God made us to be sexual people, and that sex in the context of marriage is meant to be enjoyed, and enjoyed often.
I meet with women over and over again who are disengaged from their husbands and discouraged about sex. I often hear women say, “if he would spend more time connecting with me emotionally, I would connect more with him physically,” like it’s a reward. But the reality as Dr. Emerson Eggerichs says, is not that simple. It’s not always the case that emotional connection leads to physical connection. It can work the other way too! The physical can lead to the emotional. If we ‘minister to our husband’s body,’ Eggerichs says, he will be more inclined to ‘minister to our spirit’. We can gain access to his spirit through physical connection. That’s just true, but, for a variety of reasons, not many are saying it.
It’s no secret that men are generally created with a higher need for sex. As wives we don’t need to understand this need, but we do need to honour it.
The 30-Day Challenge
I was talking to a friend who years ago her marriage was a mess, they weren’t connecting emotionally or physically and she didn’t know how to bring change. She was encouraged by a friend to pursue her husband for physical connection every day for 30 straight days and see what happened. She was skeptical and felt like it was one more thing added to her long list of to-do’s, but after much prayer she knew she needed to try something. It wasn’t that they had sex everyday, but she committed to pursue him every day for 30 days.
She said something changed in their marriage by that commitment. For him, his physical needs were met so he had capacity for more emotional connection. For her, physiologically, her body began to change. She began to enjoy having sex and it no longer felt like a chore, but instead, a gift with all kinds of pleasure she hadn’t experienced before that then she started to crave! It’s been years since she took the challenge, and still she pines for her man with love and passion and their relationship both physically and emotionally is stronger than ever.
Before you say this all sounds crazy and maybe even ‘unbiblical’. I would challenge you to read through the entire book of The Song of Solomon and pay attention to the women’s role throughout the book as it describes a married couples sex life. Old Testament Scholar Tremper Longman III describes is like this:
The role of the woman throughout the Song of Solomon is truly astounding, especially in light of its ancient origins. It is the woman, not the man, who is the dominant voice throughout the poems that make up the Song. She is the one who seeks, pursues, initiates. She boldly exclaims her physical attraction [“His abdomen is like a polished ivory tusk, decorated with sapphires...”]. Most English translations hesitate in this verse. The Hebrew is quite erotic, and most translators cannot bring themselves to bring out the obvious meaning.... This is a prelude to their lovemaking. There is no shy, shamed, mechanical movement under the sheets. Rather, the two stand before each other, aroused, feeling no shame, but only joy in each others sexuality.
So, as was the challenge given to the ladies the other night, I challenge you. If you and your husband are feeling disconnected from one another physically, emotionally or spiritually, lack a drive or joy for sex or have a hard time making sex a priority in your marriage, make the first move. Commit to the 30-day sex challenge. You may find it difficult at first but keep going and who knows, you may end up having a little fun along the way!
I’m excited to hear how your husbands react to your pursuit. Will your experience be as my friends? You’ll never know if you don’t try.
Pray and ask God for a desire to pursue your husband.
Commit to pursue your husband everyday for 30 days straight.
Be accountable to a friend (I've heard of women planning to commit as a group to this challenge so they can be accountable to one another).
Have fun, and enjoy the process!