Be True to Who You Are: A Challenge for Pastor's Wives - Part 1

Do you know who you are in Christ? Have you spent so many years being who you think people want you to be that you feel like you've lost yourself? Maybe you are new to ministry and you have ideals of how you think a pastor's wife should act. Growing up in the church my understanding of a pastor's wife became: A pastor's wife must be quiet; but social. A friend to all; but not too friendly. Authentic; but never let people too close or past your protective wall or you will get burned (and of course you have to play the piano, speak at women's conferences, etc., etc.,). Sounds crazy right? Trying to fit that criteria will always crush you.

Not Wrong just Different

I wish there was a Bible college course for the wives of future pastors. The syllabus would read: Success to Ministry: Be True to Who You Are!

Who are you? 

Are you outgoing or more private? Do people energize you or drain you? Are you open to share your life experiences or more closed? None of these are right or wrong - they are simply indicative of different personalities and the different roles, gifts, passions and wirings of one person to another. To quote Dr. Emmerson Eggerich as he speaks about men and women, "not wrong, just different."

Personally, I am an outgoing person who loves being with people but I also need quite a bit of alone time to re-energize. I know that if I plan something every night of the week I will crash. Through many years of trial and error I have had to find the balance of how much is too much for me and my family. I’ve usually had to learn the hard way. And I'm still learning.

What Drives you and Drains you?

Once you've figured out what drives you and what drains you, you will be able to make a plan of action for your life and ministry. Sit down with your husband and decide together what you can and can’t take on in the upcoming season. You need to take care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. It is important to understand that there are times when you simply have to protect your life from the church and not attend something, or not be a part of something for the longevity of your health and ministry, and that's alright, we have to be comfortable with that. 

But, there will also be times that you will have to step out of your comfort zone (yes, with a plan to retreat back to your safe place in order to stay healthy and strong) but to step out nonetheless. There are times that you will have to smile and converse with people when you don't feel like it. During these times, it is important to remember: we are not doing ministry for us, but for God. We are called to be a helpmate to our husband and serve the people of our church in love.

Mark has done a litany of different jobs in ministry and every one of them called us to be something different: Jr. High ministry in inner-city Toronto meant I was leading a group of young Jr. High girls who knew nothing about the Bible, didn't know their father's, and who took care of their younger siblings every day and even brought them to youth group, even though they themselves were only 11! Then High school ministry, then Young Adult Ministry (this was my hardest season as I was just a couple years older and found it intimating), then church planting. The list goes on, and every role has looked different. But one thing was common: they all involved things I didn't necessarily feel comfortable doing, but I had to as this was our calling for that season.

In the early years, I didn’t realize the importance of balance. I gave everything I had and was often depleted. I thought my role was to serve the church at all costs. The problem was, I was giving everything without being filled up. I wasn’t spending enough time in the Word and prayer. I was serving from my own strengths instead of God’s. I had close friends but I didn’t have a friend that truly understood the calling on my life.

God has been so gracious and given me a friend to journey in ministry with. We are able to talk about life in ministry, laugh together, cry together and grow in faith with one another. She sees the good, the bad and the ugly and speaks wisdom into my life. God has given us both a passion to encourage other pastors wives and we spend many hours talking on these things.

I challenge you to get into the Word, pray for God to lead you in your ministry in this season and find another woman in ministry to journey alongside. Even if it's over phone or e-mail. We are not called to do this alone.